I don’t feel like this is a piece that defines a purpose except from what it is going to be known as once it has been read. Just a glorified aggressive rant. I have withdrawn so much from life that it is impeccable. I consider myself to have next to no feelings in me. The only thing I am completely aware of is pure isolation. In my life I always felt like there were people I could rely on people whom I could depend on. I don’t think I have that in my life anymore. There is no one at home I can just talk to. My mother’s illness is the first and foremost priority at my house. And I don’t blame anyone. That requires the whole families complete focused attention. I need to be there for everyone so that at no point does anybody feel like they are not getting support. I have to be there for them. There are my moments of weakness where I feel like I need to talk to someone just let it all out. But I just cant. My credibility has always been in question when it comes down to be given a task in the family. I have messed up in the past. So I am no ones go to guy. I counteract all of this with my humour. THANK GOD for that. My laughter is all I have in my holster well for my family at least. That is the only bit of me they take in without flinching. So I laugh wherever I go and try to be happy all the time. Try and make the mood of the room lighter for two reasons.
- It helps my sanity and the sanity of others to not take life so seriously all the time. To give yourself a break whenever the weight of the world is on your shoulders.
- Humour is the best option I have to be supportive helpful and available for my family.
However there is only darkness behind that smile. Pitch black silence. I thought that talking to work friends might help the situation. I thought conversing with ex work friends might help. The only two people that I can talk to in a way is my ex and my mother. Oh how Freud would revel in the defining traits of his work. My mother being gravely ill I cant bother her with all of this although the poor soul only ever wants to know about my life. Secondly my ex is someone I can talk to but I cant. Because it feels unjust on me and on her for us to continue talking like we are an item, when there will be no future. If all of that helped I would not be writing this. I feel like I have nowhere to go to nobody to turn to. Don’t get me wrong I don’t just want to talk about myself with them I just have days where I would like to vent where someone would take an interest in what’s going on in my life. Still nothing. Every time I talk to someone I feel a light go off in his or her heads. Its like they switch off. They way I know this is because I tend to get short concise calculated answers afterwards or conversation changers. I am not skilled in much however I have always been able to read people better than anyone I know. Social psychology has always been one of my strongest abilities. I understand people like nobody else can. I just want to vent and I just cant. So I have decided to fortify my walls even stronger now. I figured this battle in life would always be me on my own. And I will only have me in my corner. So I need to do this independently without anybody’s help. Instead I have decided to be the opposite. IF you are to look it in the grander scheme of things everybody has an issue or some life threatening entity looming within their lives. If you are to take a different light to it then there others who do not even possess the basic necessities that I have. So keeping the bigger picture in mind my internal issues will not impact the soul of this world in a much needed positive way. I have forged a permanent fake smile that every one can see on the outside. A smile that says I am in perfect condition, I am just immaculate. In this decision of mine I have also chosen to give my ear to everybody else. Conversations will no longer be about my personal and professional life or me. Conversations will linger around everybody else. If this is orchestrated successfully I don’t think anybody will ever have the ability to identify that a troubled soul roams amongst the masses.