Solitary Confinement

I don’t feel like this is a piece that defines a purpose except from what it is going to be known as once it has been read. Just a glorified aggressive rant. I have withdrawn so much from life that it is impeccable. I consider myself to have next to no feelings in me. The only thing I am completely aware of is pure isolation. In my life I always felt like there were people I could rely on people whom I could depend on. I don’t think I have that in my life anymore. There is no one at home I can just talk to. My mother’s illness is the first and foremost priority at my house. And I don’t blame anyone. That requires the whole families complete focused attention. I need to be there for everyone so that at no point does anybody feel like they are not getting support. I have to be there for them. There are my moments of weakness where I feel like I need to talk to someone just let it all out. But I just cant. My credibility has always been in question when it comes down to be given a task in the family. I have messed up in the past. So I am no ones go to guy. I counteract all of this with my humour. THANK GOD for that. My laughter is all I have in my holster well for my family at least. That is the only bit of me they take in without flinching. So I laugh wherever I go and try to be happy all the time. Try and make the mood of the room lighter for two reasons.

 

  1. It helps my sanity and the sanity of others to not take life so seriously all the time. To give yourself a break whenever the weight of the world is on your shoulders.
  2. Humour is the best option I have to be supportive helpful and available for my family.

 

However there is only darkness behind that smile. Pitch black silence. I thought that talking to work friends might help the situation. I thought conversing with ex work friends might help. The only two people that I can talk to in a way is my ex and my mother. Oh how Freud would revel in the defining traits of his work. My mother being gravely ill I cant bother her with all of this although the poor soul only ever wants to know about my life. Secondly my ex is someone I can talk to but I cant. Because it feels unjust on me and on her for us to continue talking like we are an item, when there will be no future. If all of that helped I would not be writing this. I feel like I have nowhere to go to nobody to turn to. Don’t get me wrong I don’t just want to talk about myself with them I just have days where I would like to vent where someone would take an interest in what’s going on in my life. Still nothing. Every time I talk to someone I feel a light go off in his or her heads. Its like they switch off. They way I know this is because I tend to get short concise calculated answers afterwards or conversation changers. I am not skilled in much however I have always been able to read people better than anyone I know. Social psychology has always been one of my strongest abilities. I understand people like nobody else can. I just want to vent and I just cant. So I have decided to fortify my walls even stronger now. I figured this battle in life would always be me on my own. And I will only have me in my corner. So I need to do this independently without anybody’s help. Instead I have decided to be the opposite. IF you are to look it in the grander scheme of things everybody has an issue or some life threatening entity looming within their lives. If you are to take a different light to it then there others who do not even possess the basic necessities that I have. So keeping the bigger picture in mind my internal issues will not impact the soul of this world in a much needed positive way. I have forged a permanent fake smile that every one can see on the outside. A smile that says I am in perfect condition, I am just immaculate. In this decision of mine I have also chosen to give my ear to everybody else. Conversations will no longer be about my personal and professional life or me. Conversations will linger around everybody else. If this is orchestrated successfully I don’t think anybody will ever have the ability to identify that a troubled soul roams amongst the masses.

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The Eternal Search

This piece is about the search of ones journey to find what it is that there looking for. This world is a mysterious place that no one will ever seem to figure out. I feel I am lost in this world and I don’t know where to start looking for what I actually want to find. Because the actual problem is I do not know what it is that I am looking for. This search has been going on for many years and years and still two and half decades down and to no avail. The most disturbing part about this is the fact that people have gone through life trying to find this mysterious entity and are now six feet under without even having come close to finding it. For me it just hurts, it feels like a part of me is missing out there and I have to find it.

 

“It beckons for me day and night as I stand in a cocoon of mist with the flavor of eternity”

 

What is it?

 

How do you identify something that you have never seen before? I stand here lost with no destination in sight every new theory that I apply to life in order to understand it better gets lost with time and doesn’t even last its pilot phase. Am I looking for love, a partner in life to continue this journey with? Do I want to feel like I made a difference in somebody’s life before my head grazes the air around my pillow? Do I want to be rich the owner of my own hand made fortune 500? Is it affection, respect that I crave or is it the denial of these attributes that has led me to only aspire to ingest a dirty concoction of the two. All I know is the struggle to find one’s true belonging or purpose in the world is the most difficult journey one will have to endure in this lifetime. I have gone on searching but for some reason the emptiness still haunts me on a daily basis. I have become so lost now that sheer desperation is kicking in as time evades me day by day. With all the avenues at my disposal I am still trying to figure out which one to take.

 

Am I born to be a writer?

Am I just alone?

Do I want to be a rich businessman?

Do I want to motivate or inspire people?

Do I want to be a humanitarian?

Or do I just crave the feeling of being needed?

 

I have pondered for years now as to what is my purpose in life. I strongly believe everyone has his/her purpose in life even if it is to be as ordinary as a security guard or a salesman. See I believe that people have this rare definitive ability that lets them know early on in life what is it that drives them every morning of every day. Now if it were that simple to just follow (or figure out) what it is that drives you then we would be living in a highly developed society. Then the infamous mistress of everyone’s desires in life intervenes. It is this desire that creates chaos in ones life distracts one from the ‘real’ finish line. You end up on this track where you were not meant to be but are now rather chasing a lost cause. A cause that was never yours in the first place was rather the broken dream of another. Some people have the ability to push through keep going with this dream but tag along some other idea/skill/passion that they believe would help their own sanity in the future. Some are never so lucky instead they are always stuck in the never-ending bubble that they call life. A bubble that they will never pop, forever just gaze over the glisten of the outside world. It is at this time that people feel that its time for a change. They finally decided that the break from monotony is as easy as just a tiny prick to the bubble. It was always just as easy as that, but now life dictat

The Mental Transformation

As early as I can remember I have always been known as the fat kid. The ‘Big Guy’, ‘Big Man’ or whatever equivalent it broke down to in the applied mother tongue. Different types of nicknames several jokes just started to revolve around me (no pun intended). It came to a point where it just became a part of my identity. It became a part of me an extra limb that is created by yourself out of thin air and now it’s just there hanging without any reason or purpose but except only to hoard on your thoughts. See its just by association one can get a reputation and profile that he/she might never have wanted, but are considered the same. That is the definition of the way society works. Images and stereotypes created by society, never the individual. This is not about the racism in today’s society or its effects; this is about how the world is not black and white but different shades of grey. Us writers we live in the midst of these shades I believe it is our duty to show the world this side. This is about the story of losing weight that never gets told.

See there are two types of fat people the nice guy and the asshole. Coming from a family of large individuals I am very confident in my definition of the types of people. I am the self-proclaimed nice guy, the good guy. The always there when you want him, the friendliest of them all. Time was passing by and so did life and I did nothing about it. I felt the world owed me something, although I had never earned it I always wanted first place. Then with everything life threw at me I sat there and took it, not even realizing what had happened. Still claiming to be the rightful owner of first place. Then with the power of soul crushing destruction, disappointment would hit me. For something I had not earned. Slowly with time I realized I don’t do anything about my life and suffer like the victim that I pictured myself as. People told me to just lose the weight, like it was a switch. Just eat vegetables or go on this diet or try that remedy or do that exercise and poof it will all be gone. But that’s not even the start of it. They don’t tell you about the mental journey that you must embark on.

After many months of weighing out the options of life I looked all around me and knew I was alone in all of this and that’s how it was meant to be. I always asked why I wanted to be alone in this process, never understood the real reason until now. I had asked for help in every point of my life, at every obstacle. I was tired of asking. I just didn’t want to rely on anyone. So I started this adventure of sorts on my own. And to every one out there struggling with the same phenomena whether it be weight related or not, the other side is so worth the pain. Trust me.

One bright morning I woke up and decided once and for all I will lose the weight and change the way I look. Went to a dietician initially got on a selected diet and exercise regime. Disliked the exponential increase in the amount of vegetables that I had to eat. Went to the gym 5 days a week for at least two hours a day. And went cold turkey with cigarettes. Completely exorcised the body of everything I had once loved in my life. Oh and did it hurt.

Those were all the physical limitations I had enforced on myself, a self proclaimed cage I had locked my former self into and threw the key in the ocean of bad memories I had ever had the pleasure of creating. As the old me rattled and banged and shook the cage to the best of his abilities, he could not get out and I continued to stagger on.

Just to find enough motivation in your day to be able to do these demanding tasks was a hassle in itself let alone having to pick up the pieces after the first setback had broken you. The one fact that isn’t mentioned in the fine print of the holy ‘diet and fitness’ books. They always say you will break just get up and fix your self but never tell you on how to apply the glue.

I woke up every day thinking I need to do this, it has to be done, its do or die. Everything else in life came second. My day started at eating healthy and ended at the gym. Fighting insecurities on a daily basis. Issues and matters one had brushed under the rug came flooding in without a warning. After saying it figuratively for years and years I had finally literally shed blood, sweat and tears for this transformation, sometimes all three at once. They said you are obsessing over it too much, thinking about it too much. You can’t see another’s struggle when you haven’t seen the depths of the puddles of water he has stepped into.

There were some good days as well. When I felt untouchable. As the weight slowly and steadily came off, as the layers of fat stripped away one by one I asked my self why am I not worthy. You are worthy of everything and some more. I asked why does this always happen to me? Because you let it happen to you. Why is nothing ever simple in my life? Life isn’t simple and straightforward. I brought myself to realize the harsh realities of life and amidst this darkness; I felt more empowered than I ever did. That’s when I realized I needed to grab the reigns now and ride the chariot of life or forever be the passenger in my own car.

I became even more confident of myself, of my views and opinions whether they offended anyone or not I didn’t care, I had been sugar coating myself just so that I didn’t rub someone the wrong way. Always wanted to be liked. My outlook on life changed. I felt that I started to respect my self more and then all of a sudden the world responded accordingly. They treated me like I wanted to be treated. I wasn’t just anybody I was a person of importance. My opinions before would be listened through one ear and thrown out the other now I was finally being heard. It honestly felt like I was born again into a new and improved version, one that I was more than content with. I was an entity that had to be dealt with irrespective of what I said. I even spewed nonsense at times just to see how people would react. Normally I would have been ridiculed for chatting utter shit but all of the sudden even my bullshit was taken into consideration, well until I was caught by someone who was confident enough to disagree with me. See I didn’t care if they disagreed with me that was understandable it was the fact that I was part of the debate that was more than enough. Losing the weight made me feel like I was alive, I finally felt like I had a voice. I never wanted the limelight to be always on me, but at the same time a pat on the back would have helped.

Life started to change people treated me with a lot of kindness. Girls looked and smiled and I still thought I had something on my face or clothes, old habits diehard. I no longer felt the need to prove myself to anybody I talked to. I didn’t feel like I owed somebody my super nice persona or be required to always be available and helpful. I started to see the world through a new pair eyes.

People were far friendlier than me having to do anything or put in any kind of effort. Talking to the opposite sex became much more easier, neither did I feel it difficult nor was my confidence overshadowed by my insecurities. Neither was I a saint nor did I have the Ryan gosling look, still I went for the magazine defined ‘sexy’ girls. Random hookups and encounters had just me left stranded, mentally deprived. Looking for more of a personal connection, an emotional one than a physical one. It took a fair bit of rewiring for me to actually come out of that mental zone and eventually I did. The world just responded to me in a more appreciative manner. Which made me think of the most shallow flaw majority of us posses, that was the world will always initially treat you on how you look. Looking good and attractive got you through the front door and then a few miles down did your personality matter. So I decided my image was to be whatever made my personality run to the best of humanity. It felt like I was reborn again. I felt like whatever life was to throw at me, however bad it got I would always have this to myself to get me through the bad times.

The Beginning

I really dont have words to place on this paper or screen for that matter. As it is my first post I think I will stick to minimal editing and make it as raw as possible. I have made the first cut and as the blood oozes out the adrenaline is slowly kicking in. The feeling of being alive has overcome all other emotions. Writing tends to do that for me I never knew why but I do plan on finding out. The only way to do so is to embark on this journey or adventure of sorts and put my words out there for the world to read. That is the only way one gets to be alive breaking away at parts of his soul and releasing them out into the darkness that we call mother earth. In taking the risk of presenting your vulnerability to the masses does one become courageous enough to tackle the world.

So here I go, the chronicles of a fakir with a pen.

Fakir for those of you who do not know what it means is a Muslim (or, loosely, a Hindu) religious ascetic who lives solely on alms (as defined by the oxford dictionary). In other words it also means someone who is poor.

The main aim of this blog I would like to be is of self help and motivation. my purpose is to write about normal situations in life that happen to maybe everybody or maybe just a select few. At times I might rant on about something but I will always try and draw a lesson from somewhere deep down in the crevices and darkened corners of my words. This is so that people are able to relate to it, feel like they are not alone when the world is against them that there will always be someone out there who feels the same way as you do and is not ashamed about it. The point of all my blogs will hopefully be for people to get a deeper understanding of life and how its intricacies are defined amongst different people. I might interpret something of a softer nature whilst another might derive a darker meaning. The aim is to not make money or gain fame but to just touch a soul. If a 100 people get to read my work and 99 of them hate my work but only one person is moved by what I write I will consider my writing career as a success. Now I dont have alot of achievements in life that I could show the audience and be like I did A and it made me feel like B so i did C and became successful and got a D, I have no clear cut defined formula to life. As life is a mixture of the unpredictable with a dash of good and evil on the side all served in an adventure.